Moorings, initial issue
Rooting yourself as you walk in grief
I am like an olive tree in Your house
trusting in Your compassion
-Adapted Psalm. 52:10
Symbol of Sustenance: Trees:
Trees reach deep into the earth,
offering you an anchor at this time in your life
while the Tree of Life, planted in your body, holds your soul.
These step forward now for you to hold onto,
to aid you as you walk as mourner.
This Initial Period of Bereavement:
Shivah and shloshim at an end, you now continue into your first year of mourning.
You may feel numb, frozen.
Some feel hyperactive, restless.
You may feel a lingering sense of the surreal, like being in a dream. You may find yourself going through the
motions of what is needed to be done.
Some liken sudden death to a door slamming shut, and anticipated death, to a door shutting slowly.
You may experience both feelings simultaneously.
You are bereaved, which roots from the word 'robbery'.
The person with whom your life was intertwined, stolen from you.
Many instinctively tuck inward.
Some feel intense physical pain, pain in the chest, in the heart, a tightness in the throat,
as if a part of their body is missing.
Some lose their appetites, others gain appetite; you may experience each at different times.
Many people feel numb, and focus on the immediate tasks that need be done; the paperwork,
decisions that need be made, work that must be responded to, activities that must be maintained.
For many after the tasks from the death are completed, a thawing of feeling takes place.
 I spread out my hands
to You.
My soul is as a weary land.
Help me,
my spirit fails.
For in You do I trust.
Cause me to know
the way to walk.
For to You
do I lift up my soul.
-Adapted Psalm 143:6,7a,8b
Common Grief Reactions and Tips on Coping:
Classic works describe reactions; "normal" responses to grief.
Shock and Denial:
"I can't believe this is happening" "I feel like I''m in a bad dream."
Anger, Guilt, and Regret:
"Why is this happening to me?" "Why him/her?" "If only I or s/he had done "x" maybe this could have been
prevented"
Bargaining:
"If everything could just go back to normal, I promise I will..."
Tears:
"This is all too much, I just can't cope with this"
Despair, Depression, and Resignation:
"Everything seems empty. It feels like there's nothing to live for"
You may move in and out of these feelings and thoughts.
Not all are experienced by everyone nor do they neatly progress from one to the other and then leave, completed.
But knowing that these are natural responses to loss can help to not be frightened by them
should they rise within you.
Important Tasks During This Time:
Rest:
Mourning takes a lot of energy. For many sleep can be problematic.
Watch for having caffeinated drinks after lunch time. Exercise. Take warm baths before sleep. Create an evening
wind-down ritual. Try going to sleep before 10:00 p.m.
If you're worried about depression and/or sleep, consult with someone who's familiar with grief responses.
Simplify:
Attend to the basics: eating nutritiously, sleeping, exercising regularly, and doing what you need to for your
most bottom line responsibilities.
The rest can wait.
Mourning is hard work and can feel like and be a job in itself.
Claim this time for yourself. Allow yourself to truly have and be in this time.
Some people limit their activities for this first year, letting people know they are walking as mourner and
simplifying their lives for this time period.
Drive carefully:
Feelings and memories often rise powerfully when you drive. Many find themselves weeping in their cars,
forgetting momentarily where they are headed. It's easy to miss stop signs and to drive through red lights.
You are more prone to accidents this first year. Your reflexes are slower, and your attention may wander.
Be extra careful when driving.
Get answers to questions surrounding the illness or time of death that you find yourself returning to again and
again.
If there were issues that occurred that were not OK, address these.
If you've medical questions, get the information you need. If there were things that happened that were not OK,
gather information first. Then simply and clearly write down your suggestions and concerns to several of the
involved parties. Note specifics: times, dates, and exactly what occurred.
You may need to write the letter you'd like to write and then save it.
Then a few days later write a letter that will be 'heard.'
At the least, this may help those who follow after you, and you will know that you articulated and documented what
you experienced.
Have patience with yourself:
Be as kind and understanding to yourself as you would be towards a dear friend.
Your world is different now.
It takes more time than you imagine to absorb on all levels the full extent of your loss.
Some people have to learn new skills, take on new roles, and create new routines.
The stress of these changes are great.
There's a gap in your life now. Sometimes you may need to shut down for a while just to cope.
This will change.
Respect your need to slow, turn inward, and to stop.
Make time for your physical checkups:
Many when giving care set aside their own self care.
Have your annual physical. Catch up on your dental care.
Look after yourself on all levels.
Refrain from making any significant changes in your life:
The golden rule is to not make any major changes this year.
Yet some people may need to make changes, for example, financial necessities may force a shift.
Generally this isn't a time to add additional stress, however each person's situation is unique.
Remember, once some changes are made they can not be undone, so move very carefully.
If you are unsure of a direction and you are able, put off decisions until later when you strongly feel inside yourself
that that is a direction which feels right for your life now.
It's natural to feel a little crazy at times:
Transitions and losses can plummet us into crazy time.
Previous routines may be gone.
Irritability, strong emotions, and a lack of concentration are common grief responses.
These become intensified with sleep deprivation.
Our culture is quite ignorant of and has many misunderstandings about grief.
Even professionals whom we expect to be knowledgeable about grief sometimes have a great deal of misinformation
about the mourning process.
Should you feel concerned about your reactions, check them out with someone who has had significant contact
with grief and mourning. A Bereavement coordinator on staff with your Hospice team who's had years of contact
with mourners is often a reliable resource.
 Turn to me
and be gracious to me
for I am all alone
and afflicted.
The troubles of my heart
are enlarged.
Bring me out of my distress
-Psalm 25: 16,17
Natural Questions and Responses:
How can I stop the pain?
Eomtionally, spiritually, you may long for the pain to leave.
Yet intellectually, in your gut, you know the pain need be.
It stands as testimony to your relationship, the ways your life has intertwined with the person you grieve.
As grief is tended, the pain lessens in duration and frequency.
Are there any shortcuts to working grief? If I work really hard can I get this grieving done
more quickly?
You may long to shorten this process, yet you know that grief takes its own time.
You know you need be with it, in it. You know you need it to speak to you, that it will teach you things you need.
It holds lessons, instructions, and power.
Is it normal to have nightmares and/or dreams of my loved one who died?
Some do have dreams or feel the presence of their loved one. Sometimes these are comforting, sometimes painful.
I really want to dream of or feel the presence of my loved one, but this hasn't happened.
What does this mean?
Despite longing, some do not experience dreams of their loved ones nor sense their presence.
Some wonder if they did something wrong that this isn't happening for them, and feel unloved as a result.
We don't understand why this does or doesn't happen, but we do know that if one doesn't dream of a loved one this
does not reflect on the quality of the relationship held.
Sometimes I feel relief that this is over. Then I feel terrible and guilty.
How do people deal with these feelings?
Some people have been giving care to their loved one for many days, months or years, being available and alert,
on call, twenty-four hours a day/ seven days a week.
Some people haven't slept through the night for a very long time, just listening for their loved one,
needing to wake to administer medications.
Some have suffered deeply watching their loved ones in pain, not being able to take this away.
Death can be a tremendous loss as well as a relief and release.
Our relationships are so complex, the times of illness so fraught with tension, anxiety and uncertainty that this
process is naturally an intricate and complicated one.
I look at others around me and see they are handling their grief so differently than I am.
Why is my mourning so different?
Your relationship is unique. Your time spent with your loved one, your life structure and the rhythm of your days.
And each person has their own ways of coping with pain.
We mourn differently at different times and move in and out of different stages in our own unique ways.
Each person carves out their own pathway.
Summon up gentleness. For yourself. And for those around you.
I feel haunted by images of my loved one when they were ill and/or dying. I want to remember
them as they were in health and in my life. Are there ways of handling this?
Often the more you struggle against the pictures within you, the more they seem to stay.
Take out photos of your loved ones that you love, that capture their spirits. Tell your favorite stories of them.
Speak of what was dear to you about them.
In time these last images will be balanced by the others and their intensity will diminish.
I didn't get to say goodbye to my loved one. There was no opportunity to tell them that I loved
them.
Sometimes circumstances don't allow us to be there as we might have wanted to be. Sometimes even if present
the person dying is deeply into their own route and not available in ways we may want, need or hope for.
You may have to say goodbye, tell the person you loved them in the months and seasons after their death.
Some speak these aloud as it rises within them. Some journal. Some speak
these words to a trusted friend.
Again this can be an ongoing process.
You may need to say goodbye on many levels in these months, and years
over and over again for different parts and aspects of your relationship and as you yourself move into different
junctures of mourning and into different periods of your life.
At times I think of harsh words I said, or times of impatience during my loved ones illness or
before their death and feel horribly about this. Are there helpful ways to deal with this?
We often forget the incredible pressures of living with illness over a long period of time, the extreme stress,
the ongoing lifestyle of medical problems and emergencies.
We often forget the powerful impact of the lack of sleep, the tensions of navigating the unknown
during the course of the illness, spikes of pain, and uncertainties of the dying process, for the person ill,
for ourselves and for our families.
Even for seasoned health care professionals there are always the wild-cards of how things will unfold for that
particular person that are just unknown until they happen.
And our loved ones too are sometimes frightened, exhausted, impacted by medication, shifting their attention
elsewhere, and can be as well sometimes harsh in words.
Just in the course of living everyday life there are strains and stresses that pull us every which way and
sometimes carry both us and our loved ones to speak sharply to each other.
Many who grieve pinpoint moments when they were impatient with their loved one, going over
and over those times in their minds, in lieu of keeping in sight the wide view, of all the many times
when they were there and gave loving attention and devoted care.
It's like only seeing the tiny dot on the large page.
The art now is remembering the entire page as well.
I'm very worried about my children. How can I help them with their grief?
You are their role model, teacher and guide. They will take their cues from you.
Grieve in your own way. Let them see your sadness, your tears.
Young children and teens need to hear it's OK to have sad feelings.
And that you are OK, that you are mourning and that this is what people do when they mourn.
Welcome their questions. Children often wonder about many different things.
If they ask a question, make sure you understand what it is that they are asking before you answer.
Sometimes their real question may not be what it initially sounds like.
Young children often express their grief through play or art and often say quick one liners.
Children need to know that they did not cause the death through their thoughts or actions.
They need to know that they were and are loved.
If they suffered the loss of a parent, often they fear the death of their surviving parent and are scared that they will
be all alone in the world if their remaining parent dies. They need reassurances that they will be cared for
and that they won't be left alone in the world without a caring adult present for them.
Groups for children and teens who are working their grief with peers and in their unique ways are invaluable.
Seeking Hospice bereavement groups specific to children and teens can make an enormous difference.
Some teens choose to involve themselves in the arts, in music, art, writing. Some immerse themselves in sports.
Some turn to their coaches, teachers, or school counselors for support. Being in touch with schools, day-care
administrators and teachers is essential.
Adult children too often benefit from support. Check your local Hospice for bereavement resources.
I have called You
make haste to me.
-Psalm 141:1b
Resources for Comfort and Support:
You may feel a deep need for comfort, support, heartening, and solace.
Some of these resources may respond to what you are needing. Some may not.
Sometimes nothing fits. But having these in your toolkit may aid as you walk in this time.
Poetry Collections:
- Gendler, J. Ruth. Changing Light. Scranton, PA: Harper Perennial, 1991
- Oliver, Mary. Dream Work. NY: The Atlantic Monthly Press, 1986
- Sewell, Marilyn. editor, Cries of the Spirit. Boston: Beacon Press, 1991
- Wood, Nancy. Many Winters. NY: Doubleday, 1974
Daily Brief Meditations-readings about grief:
Hickman, Martha Whitmore. Healing After Loss. NY: Avon Books,1994.
The arts: music, art work, crafting:
Many find moving into sound, color, contact with mediums of clay, wood, paint, wool, herbs, journaling,
or writing poetry, offers respite and another route towards expression.
Time in nature:
For some, nature soothes, comforts.
A daily walk outside, moving, feeling the air stir, may give you something. Observing the skies, the changing
seasons may infuse the day with beauty, touching heart and soul. The psalmist long ago understood this well.
Spiritual Resources:
Our traditions, rhythmic rituals can offer healing: daily prayer, weekly shabbat observance, the monthly
marking of the approaching new moon, and the seasonal teachings of each holiday.
Some who mourn have rich Jewish connections in a spiritual community. Some haven't yet found a place in the
Jewish community where they feel nourished and feel too vulnerable or weary to seek community at this time.
Others feel displaced from where they formerly "belonged."
While yet others find this time offers a spiritual doorway for return and exploration.
Some wrestle with spiritual issues, feel anger towards God. Others feel a thirst for ancient sources of nourishment
but are put off by politics or dynamics within congregations. While others find their ways to approach study anew,
exploring Psalms, Torah study, and/or siddur.
The following meditations I wrote to help me enter more deeply into my morning prayers. Use them or adapt
them should they touch you.
Meditation before the first blessing of the Shema, Yotzeir Or:
Entering Your Garden: Opening Your gate of light:
Open my heart,
open my soul
so I can feel Your light shine upon me and
rise up from within me.
Meditation before the second blessing of the Shema, Ahavah Rabbah:
Opening Your gate of love:
Open my heart,
open my soul
that I may feel Your love rise up all around me and
hold and embrace me this day.
From this place of loving, may You guide me in this new day of life.
 When you lie
among the sheepfolds
the wings of the dove
are covered with silver
and her pinions
with the shimmer of gold.
Blessed be You
Who day by day carries us.
You are our help.
You help us be.
-Adapted, Psalm 68:14,20,21a
Take good care.
You may wish to prepare for the next upcoming holiday or check back with the 3rd month newsletter.
Gentle walking to you.
Guide to Hebrew words:
Shivah: "sitting", first seven days of mourning, with special observances
Shloshim: "thirty", including shivah, also holding special observances
Siddur: "prayerbook"
Yotzeir Or: "Who Creates Light", first blessing of the Shema found in morning prayer
Ahavah Rabbah:"Great Love", second blessing of the Shema found in morning prayer
Photography Credits:
First photograph: Vicki Hollander
Second, fourth, and fifth photographs : Alon Kvashny
Third photograph: Kathy Berendt
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