Rabbi Vicki Hollander

Moorings, Approaching Chanuka

Rooting yourself as you walk in grief

You light my lamp
You lighten my darkness
-Psalm 18:29

As we move into a time of night, Chanuka nears,
teaching us how to move through shadows,
calling upon us to kindle light.

She whispers  reminders
that even in the deepest of nights
miracles can unfold.

Symbol of Sustenance at this Time: the Chanukiah

Simple she stands, elegant.
And each night as we add a candle,
the light grows.

The Chanukiah models how to find our way through the labyrinth of this first year of loss,
moving from small one light to the next.
Until one day we stand,
all our candles aflame,
glowing in the night.

Chanuka and the Winter Holidays:

Coping with grief during this Season of Joy.

The days shorten.
The year is moving towards its darkest point.

Chanuka and the winter holiday season bring up images
of families and friends gathering, enjoying one another, celebrating,
and being together.
And these images evoke feelings, memories, and longings.

Media and advertizing enlongate the approach of the holidays.

As with other junctures, planning and consciously moving into this
season can make a difference.

What follows are resources to aid you traverse this powerful time.

We have come to vanish night,
vanish night with candle light
-Chanuka song

Common Grief Reactions:

This time of year intensifies grief responses.

The lack of light, being cloistered indoors, social gatherings, the ending of the secular year, and for one who is Jewish, being "outsiders" to Christmas celebrations, all mix together.

Feelings of lonliness, sadness, depression, and despair heighten in this season for many people, and even more so for those who mourn.

Over-anticipation:
Months ahead many start dreading this time, creating additional pressure.
If one can stay with and in the actual reality, breaking time down into pieces, more creative responses can jell.
Actively improvising can help you claim this season.

Important Tasks During this Time:

Focus on what you need this year:
The journaling questions that follow can help you reflect on what is most important about Chanuka for you. 
Get rid of the "shoulds" and do what most moves you.

Simplify, delegate, and say no:
Watch for getting "guilt tripped" into doing things that you don't have the energy or desire to do. 
Most people over-estimate their energy level when mourning. 
Remember that holiday memories and feelings of grief will surface and that this year you've the additional task
of "grief work."
Prioritize and simplify your commitments.

Have time to be alone:
Leave yourself time to be alone, to absorb the feelings that rise.
Memories and thoughts, both sweet and difficult will be stirring.
Take care of yourself. You may need more rest than you do normally.

Plan time to be with others:
Anticipate what times might be the most difficult for you and be with others who are loving and compassionate. 
If you're not invited somewhere for a Chanuka celebration, ask someone to join you.
Even if you feel like disappearing for the season, don't cut off from contact with others.

Communicate with friends and relatives before this season:
Let them know what would help you feel supported during this time.
Ask what you can do to aid them.

Mix old and new traditions:
We can't turn back time and make things as they were.
Sometimes we idealize the old times. And sometimes some old traditions can be consoling.
Choose what has been most nourishing for you in the past.

Ask your family and friends what would mean the most to them to observe this year. 
Use these as your basis for marking the holiday. 
Would having dinner in a different house be a relief or would being in the same place you've been in previously feel comforting?

Think about spending some time doing volunteer work:
Call the central volunteer organization in your city. Sometimes shelters, food banks and hospitals need volunteers at
this time of year.  Sometimes getting out of ones own world can be gratifying and offer new perspectives.
It can strengthen the heart to lend a hand.

Be mindful of the urge to "run away" from it all:
Some people travel hoping to get away from the intensity of their feelings and from their memories of the past.
Some find escape for a while.  Others find their feelings and memories accompany them wherever they go.

If you do travel, design your re-entry home with careful thought:
who will meet you on your return, what time of day do you wish to return. 

For many, re-entering their homes, their lives, brings back a flood of feelings.
This is not unusual and it will subside. Just be aware that this can happen.
Stratigizing your return ahead of time can help ease the transition back.

Plan for backup during the holidays:
Ask a friend to be your support buddy. See a counselor. Have someone available whom you won't have to 'take care of'
but who can be with you and hear you in case you need to speak aloud what's coming through you.

Healthy routines:
Try to keep up some form of exercise, healthy eating and routine in sleeping as much as possible.
These can aid you during this time.

Not by might,
and not by power,
but by my spirit.

-Adapted Zechariah 4:6b

Natural Questions
and Responses:

I feel exhausted and yet I know that my
family expects that our celebration will be exactly the same as always.
I just don't have the energy to do the amount
of work needed to celebrate the holiday.
What should I do?

Talk with your family.  Let them know that this year you're tired from the process of mourning, and that for you to truly celebrate Chanuka this year you'll need to simplify
your plans.

Ask them for their support for these changes this year.  Let them know what things you feel you can and want to do.
Listen to what they want to see happen this year and what they'll take responsibility for.  Brainstorm different options
for handling what remains undone.

It's important to honor your mourning and not become too depleted from preparations.
Be clear about your priorities.  What is key is to enjoy one anothers company, to be there for one
another, and to celebrate that which is beautiful and inspiring inherent in this holiday.

When I think of all the tasks to do: cooking, buying gifts, meals, cleaning, I feel overwhelmed.
I'm having a hard time being imaginative for alternatives. Any short cuts?

If you're too tired to make latkes this year, buy latkes or sufganiot. Or make a potato kugel. Buy hash browns and just
add the additional ingredients needed for latkes.

Do a family gift draw, so each person has just one person to buy a gift for instead of many.
Use gift cards, subscriptions and catalogs.
Or make the theme of your gathering giving to others and donate items needed for a local shelter or organization that does outreach to those in need in your community.

Have a pot luck dinner. Enlist your guests to help with dish washing and clean up after dining. Do it together as a team.

I imagine all of us sitting around together, pretending that everything is fine, when it's not.
I don't want us to sit and cry through Chanuka, and yet I can't image pretending to be carefree when
we're feeling sad.
How can we deal with this?

One way to handle this situation might be to begin with inviting your loved one's spirit to join you.
For example, "_______(loved one's name),  we're thinking of you and miss you tonight.  Before we light our Chanuka candles, we invite
you to join us in spirit this evening and during this holiday."
Allow time for anyone to say what they need to and then begin your candle lighting.

Journaling Questions:

Explore what most draws you.

Chanuka:

• What do you most love and look forward to about Chanuka? what about the holiday most touches you?
• What specifically do you anticipate will be hard about Chanuka this year? What options do you have in dealing
  with that?
• What would you like to add this year?
• What would you like to not do this year?
• What are you most concerned about this year? What would help you deal with that concern?
• What motifs most resonate for you this year:
  light in darkness, the few fighting against the many, the power of spirit, standing for spiritual rights and freedoms, claiming of traditions, the possibility of miracles, things happening beyond the anticipated, rededication.
• When you think of "re-dedicating" yourself, your life, what feelings, thoughts emerge for you?

Facing Christmas, this season, and the secular new year:

• What is the hardest thing about this time of year for you?
• How have you dealt with that in the past?
• What would feel nourishing for you to do during this time of year?

Then shall Your light burst forth through like dawn,

and Your healing
quickly spring up.

-Adapted Isaiah 58:8

Things That Might Enrich This Time For You:

Stories:
After you light your Chanukiah, take out a book with Chanuka stories.
Old tales,  humor, warmth, and a taste of Jewish
spirit can be medicinal for the soul.

• Wurtzel, Yehuda and Sara. Lights. NY: Rossel Books, 1984. (Also on video: enjoyed by children and adults)
  
• Singer, Isaac Beshevits. The Power of Light. NY: Farrar, Straus and Giroux, 1980.

Music:
Singing also restores spirit and we've a beautiful repertoire of music for Chanuka.
Make song sheets and invite friends over who are familiar with the songs. Sing after you kindle light.
If the music is unfamiliar to you or your circle doesn't know the melodies, two well loved CD's filled with old classics are:

• Light these Lights by Debbie Friedman and
  
• Chankah A Singing Celebration with Cindy Paley

Tzedakah:
Just as on other holidays the giving of Tzedakah in your loved one's memory to an organization that does good work
in this world can touch your spirit.  Knowing you are aiding others can buoy the heart.

Marking the Winter Solstice: December 22nd:
Buy a bulb and begin watering it on the solstice so it will bloom in the early winter.
Just watching a growing thing and seeing it move towards flowering can hearten one.

Light a candle on the solstice.  Mark the darkest day of the year as well as the return of light.
Use that metaphor for your healing.

Treat yourself gently in this time of retreat.
Listen to music that touches you, light candles and take a warm bath.

Marking the new secular year:
Decide if you'd like to be alone or with others.

If you decide to be alone make a nurturing evening for yourself, including favorite foods, music, and/or a good book
or film. Go to bed early and get up for a morning walk to celebrate the newness of the year.

If you choose to be with others, know you can leave if things become hard for you.
Soak in the gifts of companionship of people dear to you.

Journal about opening the secular new year and what you would welcome from it.

Mourning and Spiritual Messages Derived From This Holiday:
Gifts of Darkness, Gifts of Light:

Darkness invites us to turn inward. To slow down. To feel. To rest. To tuck inside. To dream. To do the work of soul.
All routes to healing grief.

And there are times when we venture into the shadows, when we move beyond the edge of that which is helpful.

There's a thin line known only in our cells by having crossed over it, where pain can turn to despair and where
hopelessness and bitterness can reign. This experience too has it's teachings.
There's a gift in learning about this point and how to deal with it.
It's powerful learning just that juncture of when these feelings move to become harmful for us and when we need say 'no' to them.

Despair and hopelessness often rise when we're depleted and worn. They tell us we require rest and tending, that we are over our line.

In time we learn to carry a flint with us as we move into the shadows.
For as we move into grief work we need purposefully at times draw in light. We need consciously kindle the light
which lies within our bodies and soul.

In this time we draw up and savor the light of the person dear to us who's no longer physically here on earth.
We need search for the sparks of light embedded in the world which surrounds us each day. The conscious kindling of light is yet another path of spirit.

The paths of darkness and of light both bring healing. These intersect and compliment each other.
Both birth pieces we need. Both are gifts. Both are essential to this season and to our season of mourning.
The power of darkness and the power of light.

You shall not be afraid of terror
by night

nor of the arrow that flies by day

For God gives angels charge over you

to watch over you
in all your ways.

-Psalm 91: 5,11

A Resource For Comfort and Support:

A prayer to aid your passage during this holiday.

I stand in the shadows of the waning moon at the darkest time of year.
I've traveled far and am weary.
The road has been long, fraught with dangers.
My sandals are worn, my spirits flagging.

Hold me and rinse me, scrub me and wash me,
cleanse me, cleanse me,
help me emerge fresh and clear, my inner courts shining again
ready for the sacred ceremonies.

Help me find my hidden vessel of sacred oil.
Fill my lamp.
Pour Your pure rich oil, the first press of olives,
let it flow over me and through me, soften me, heal me and
fill me, fill my containers up.

And each night,
kindle my flames.
Each night, one by one
increase my light.
That I might ever shine
and sing Your song,
Your song sing,
in this darkest of nights.

As I light this candle, so too may You light
my seven inner flames
and the eighth for healing.

I rededicate myself this night
to that which You wish of me.

May I walk in the path of Your light.

As we mourn,
as we use our powers to find our way in this time,

we open to the gifts of darkness
and the gifts of light
and to the loving Presence of Spirit.

Take good care
as you travel through this season
of power, mystery and the deeper places.

Guide to Hebrew words:

Tzedakah: funds for justice making

Photography Credits:

Kathy Berendt